a vicious cycle

a vicious cycle that has to be broken:

CO and I got stuck in a cycle that could destroy any marriage. I'm pretty good at making her feel ignored when I come from work. I shower, eat, watch the news, play with Brody, water the plants, and try to straighten up downstairs, then go to sleep. In between all these things I ask her how is she doing and I try to interact with her on a casual level, but her feelings are already hurt by this time, because she knows I want to do something else and she just says I'm tired. Then I just move on to the next thing.

Then she is pretty good at being mean to me, because she is so hurt by me ignoring her. Then I ignore her more because she is being mean. It's HORRIBLE! We both feel like dieing when we get in that cycle. This last time was really hard to stop because of the added stress of being financially bankrupt.

After about a day of yelling and half a day of being sorry and a weekend of cleaning the house TOGETHER, we feel like we are one again and I'm VERY happy. I hope she still is. I have found out that it is real easy to love Brody during those times and I feel our attention gravitates towards him, because at this age he is non-confrontational.

The sad part is that it'll probably happen again, because of who we are. I think the trick to beating it is that as soon as one of us gets hurt, we need to tell the other in a non-defensive way. Which is very hard to do because of pride. I constantly have to remind myself that before I decided to ask CO to marry me, I had to die to me. So everything I want is dead and the only person to give my life back to me is her. She is the one who determines who I can be. That's hard because when we are fighting I feel like in order to make her happy I have to be this little wimpy guy that sits inside all day and cleans the house. The wild in me hates that thought and grabs me by the neck and yells " ARE YOU FREAKING CRAZY! GET OUT OF HERE MAN!".

But I can't because I love her and I want the best for her. Our relationship is very similar to my relationship with Christ. EXCEPT the fact that I gave my life to him, because He is the only one that can give me the best life I can possible have. Which is funny because at this point it looks like complete crap except for CO and Brody. BUT I feel like we are simply in training, kinda like in the Ranger Battalion. In order to be the best, the training usually has to suck really bad. I don't know what God is training us for, but according to the suck factor it's pretty awesome.

(I'm sorry if you don't like the word "suck". My mom doesn't. Sorry mom. But in my years I have not been able to come up with a better one to replace it. It comes from sucking air when you are 100% physically and mentally spent. I feel like I've put in some time in that area. There is nothing left to give and all you can do is SUCK in air. It's the worst condition to be in because you feel weak, vulnerable, hopeless, doubtful, facing the unknown, and wondering if your really about to die.

So if you can think of a word that is as simple, to the point, and carries that weight, I'm all hears and willing to make the change.)

So as for me right now I am at peace. God Loves me more than I can ever imagine. His wisdom can not be made better because it is PERFECT in every way. And His Power is unmatched by all of creation combined, so He can implement his wisdom to make my life the best because he loves me so much.

So when a customer who is younger than I am complains to me about having to trim a tree for his $60,000 dock, that will support his $25,000 boat lift, that will hold his $100,000 boat, that he wants to sit in front of his 1.5 million dollar house. I just smile and hope he is as blessed as I am to have a relationship with the creator of the Universe.


Bonus pics for reading my thoughts:

This is Brody telling me he doesn't want to be treated like a baby anymore. "I would like to have a real seat where I can sit up and talk like every body else."




Brody learning how to shuffle. Next step is to learn how to control finger movement.

Three Months

Time is flying, the boy is growing...I can hardly believe it. He gets bigger and stronger all the time, and the drool volume increases as well - as you can see.

He is getting tired of lying down - he would rather stand or sit. He is growing out of being swaddled, and rocked to sleep, he prefers to sit in my lap and lean up against me. He keeps wanting to grow up - and i already miss the tiny little guy i gave birth to. But - I also enjoy watching him learn and observe the world around him. I love every day I have to spend with him, he is such a blessing.

father and son...

weekend in pictures

well - we made it back to BPK, and all 3 of us exhausted! Brody and I had a whirlwind weekend, trying to pack everything in 4 days. Before we left, Adam and Brody and i went to the beach for a picnic dinner. Then we all got up and drove up to Ft. Lauderdale to catch our flight. Saturday, we went to my friend Kelly's for a cookout - we had to leave early for my niece Mackenzie's 6th birthday party. Everything was, once again, pink. She had fun I believe, and got lots of good stuff. Brody, Mackenzie, and I spent the night at my dad and Susan's. We watched the Princess Bride, and played with Crystal and Chris, Mackenzie's new dolls. Crystal was a baby that Mackenzie needed to "feed with nursing", like Aunt Christine and Brody do. So that was interesting. On Monday, mom and I took Brody to the pool where he had his first dip...and as far as I could tell, he loved it.

So - there was a lot more I wanted to do, and I wish I could have caught up with some people for a bit longer, but we did have a good time. Flying with Brody alone was exhausting. But, the airport people, my neighbors in the seats beside me, and lots of strangers were all very helpful, and I learned that it is much easier to get what you want when you have an inconsolable screaming baby attached to you. :)

Well - Enjoy the pictures - taken from our camera that was run over by the Jeep - pretty good, huh.

shrinkage of my concious universe

My wife has blessed me and this blog site with her love for God and for me through her great writing ability. Her words are very encouraging and for a lack of a good $1 word, I must say "disciplinary". She has made me out to be better than I really am. My heart wants to be all she says I am, but reality hits me square in the eyes and I must say I am not the man she portrays me as.

I will say this though. I am persistent. I have failed too many times to count, but I get back up and try again. I have not loved her the way I should, but I'm trying harder. I have been shaken to the core of my faith and have doubted everything I have ever believed in. I have not made decisions based on God's word or revelation, because I've been too impatient or selfish. My sins have swamped me into a horrible state of self pity and hopelessness.

But! I repent and refocus on God's Love, Wisdom, and Power. I find 5 minutes of peace. I get up and rededicate 100% of my life to Him, for the 150,000 time. I am made NEW! and in my newness, I am as she says I am.

SO! mistake number 150,001 was dropping my wife and son off at the airport and driving off. Thanks to God's power of correction, he let my conscious universe shatter.

When I was born I can imagine that my conscious universe was made up of just me.
Then it was just me and my mom,
then me, mom, and dad.
then our house
then my sisters
then my yard
then the woods
then the dirt road I lived on
then the woods across the road
then school
then my friends house
then the country club
then my neighborhood, (which was interesting for our neighbors)
then everything between my neighborhood and my friends neighborhood.
then everything between my neighborhood and my friends neighborhood and the country club.
then our farm land and my friends farm land.
then colquitt county.
then Georgia.
then the United States.
then planet earth.
then planet earth and Christine.
then planet earth, Christine, and Brody.
then Christine and Brody.
then Bamm! I drop my universe off at the airport and drive away.

Well I didn't realize my universe had shrunk to such a small degree until I left them at the airport to travel off into the world without me. I didn't cry, but did some bad driving, yelling, cursing, and funny sounding whimpering noises that still has me a little confused. That's not going to happen again. Not for a long time anyway. I know Brody and our other kids "to be" will grow up and leave the house one day. But as for right now! We all go or nobody goes.

I thought I was doing the responsible thing by staying here and working and earning money so we can live. The world may say that's right, but my heart says it's wrong. God wants me to be with my family and that's it. sorry world, but your on hold for the next 20 years.

I feel like God just hit me over the head with a sledge hammer. God will provide for me and my house. He wants me with the house.

So! what ever happens, it'll happen to all of us. well, for the next 18-22 years anyway, God willing.

That all happened on my 38 birthday, which was Friday 13th, not that it means anything, but you know.

Anyway... Let this be a reminder to me in the future. When companies offer $$$$$$ or family, I choose family. When Captain selfish takes over the helm, the Ray family law has been laid by little electrons that make black lines on a white screen for all to see. My place in this world is with my family.

Happy Birthday Adam!!

No, this is not Adam writing to or about himself, it’s his wife, Christine. I am posting this one day early due to the fact that we must get up at 3am tomorrow to drive to the Ft. Lauderdale airport – Brody and I are taking to the air to visit family and friends in North Carolina.

This is our 4th year of celebrating his birthday together, and I am so amazed at where our life has taken us. I always knew that as we grew closer together in marriage, I would grow to love Adam more, and that our catalog of memories would of course grow as well. What I have valued the most, though, is how much he has taught me in the process. I have learned from him how to be more patient, more loving, how to sail -and I love it, how to receive positive criticism, how to embrace the day – not to dwell in the muck, the power of a smile, that laughter truly is the best medicine, and that at the end of the day, the fact that we are together is the most important thing. With Adam, life never ceases to be an adventure, something he told me the afternoon he proposed to me, not in so many words. Well, that has proven to be true, and although I have fought it just about every step of the way, his adventures have taught me a lot about myself, I am stronger and smarter for them all, and we are closer as a result.

We have both had the blessed opportunity to be each other’s rocks in the midst of tough times, and through these growing times, he has given me the strength to keep going, and has encouraged me every step of the way. I thank God all the time for giving me this life with Adam, and not only to be able to walk side by side with him, but also to benefit from all he has experienced before I was ever in the picture.

When you meet a man after God’s heart, that is a blessing, when you are friends with one, even more so. When you have the privelege to be married to such a man, there is true honor in that. God is trusting me with his precious child, and that says a lot.

So, I am truly grateful for Adam, and thank God for creating such a great guy, and I love Adam so much for letting me hang out with him for the next 50 years.

Adam, I thank you for 3 great years of you loving me so well, and for all you have given me of yourself. You are an amazing husband and father, and I am so glad we are experiencing all of this together. You are such an example of true faith, humility, and love. Thank you, and happy birthday, babe. I love you with all that I have in this heart of mine!

“There are many times that I feel the presence of the Lord as I lay in bed at night praying quietly to him, or am taken away by a sunset and the brilliant colors it casts into the evening sky, or am quieted by the sound of the breeze blowing through the trees in the afternoon, or I cannot help but smile with a renewed sense of life when I see how at dawn the sun rays dance through the mist of the morning and glimmer atop the leaves. At times like these the glimpses of the glory of our Creator fills my heart so full that I cannot even imagine the joy of seeing heaven itself. My most enjoyable and real moments of intimacy with the Lord have been in peaceful solitude. But I am learning now that the Lord has only just begun to show me the vastness of this mysterious love. For He has not only first given me new life in Him and many moments of shared love alone with Him, but now He has also given me a beautiful friendship with another one of his children as a means of showing His love. A child that is so dearly loved and cherished by Him. One who he knows from head to toe, such that He knows every thought in his mind, every word he will speak. One who was created uniquely for good works that our great God has prepared already for him. One whose desire runs so deep within his soul to know his Savior that he will travel to the edge of all that he knows to experience the power of the relationship all the more intensely. A child whose relationship with the Lord is so close that his heart beats with the very life that the Holy Spirit gives him. A child whose smile will melt my heart in a second, and whose passion to go beyond life as we have defined it makes my heart race with excitement. A child whose embrace is strong and comforting. A child who knows the love of his Father so intimately that he loves to share that love, he cannot help but share that love. A child who will fight anything that hinders his total commitment to the Source of all that he is, and all that he longs to be. God’s love radiates from within him in such a way that my heart hurts it is so overwhelmed with experiencing and sharing in this love. And it is at these times that I realize how vast this love is that our Father wants to give to us. It is at these times I feel so loved by Him for showing this love for me through this beautiful child of His. It is at these times that I want nothing more than to give all I have to this child and for us together to worship our great and loving God.”

getting voicemail is now romantic...

Adam just got his phone hooked up with YouMail (www.youmail.com)...an internet cell phone messaging service, and he can leave personalized voice mail messages for specific phone numbers. So, when I call his phone, i get a special "I love you " message. Now, ain't that sweet? It is now more difficult to get mad at him for not answering his phone, when the voice mail says to me, "Hey baby, I love you, but I can't get to the phone right now, I will call you back, I promise. I love you!". Pure genius. All of you "busy" people should check this out - it will at least put a smile on your friends' faces while they are wondering why you are not answering the phone...and it's free :)

the good, the bad, and the ugly

the Good:I finished the kitchen. this is before.

This is after.

before (notice the WALL) in which I was 98% sure it was not a supporting wall. It was not until after removing it and seeing the dry wall separating it from the joist was I 100% sure.

after.

there are still some trim to do around the island, but other than that, DONE!
The counter top was made from the 2x4 from the wall. I screw them together side by side and tiled on top, then trimmed with wood.
the counter top weighs over 100lbs at least.

One of my helpers

He really loved the drill, he couldn't quite hold it, so I would pick up what ever needed drilling, put it in position, then he would hit the trigger.

just kidding

the bad:
Yesterday I was changing the alternator in the jeep. 1st time I have ever done it so I took pictures before I started so I would have something to go by. I finished in no time at all and while I was celebrating my mechanic skills, I took the jeep out on a test drive with the camera sitting on the passenger side dash board. Those who know me also know I NEVER have doors on my jeep. SO, the 1st left turn sent my camera out of the jeep, onto the road, and under my back tire. $400 down the drain. I must say that it was the 1st electronic device I have EVER broken. for those who know me, they know it is a pretty good record since I've owned numerous electronic devices starting with a cell phones since 1993.

the ugly:
I'm enjoying my work. We had a job in Key West, which is 35 minutes by car and about 1.5 hours by barge. How do I know this? Well, I rode a barge over there to install a boat lift. It was absolutely the best day of work I ever had. Paid to be on the water, (a dream come true). Not to mention the excitement of going under a bridge at high tide.

I was the spotter that told the captain if we had clearance or not. I said we did, but it will be REAL close. So he motored ahead. Half way under the bridge I changed my mind. Well... the captain isn't that kind of guy, so he just slowed down a little. After some loud discussions and me acting like a little school girl watching her cat being mangled by a dog, we actually cleared the bridge. It was so close the only reason I'm sure we cleared is because I didn't hear or see a scrape under the bridge. Terry the captain is still making fun of me. I simply say my inexperience in that particular situation must not be out shadowed by the fact that I said we would clear it when I had a good line of sight.

As it turned out we burned up all our luck under the bridge, because a 2 day job has turned into 5 days and counting.