shrinkage of my concious universe

My wife has blessed me and this blog site with her love for God and for me through her great writing ability. Her words are very encouraging and for a lack of a good $1 word, I must say "disciplinary". She has made me out to be better than I really am. My heart wants to be all she says I am, but reality hits me square in the eyes and I must say I am not the man she portrays me as.

I will say this though. I am persistent. I have failed too many times to count, but I get back up and try again. I have not loved her the way I should, but I'm trying harder. I have been shaken to the core of my faith and have doubted everything I have ever believed in. I have not made decisions based on God's word or revelation, because I've been too impatient or selfish. My sins have swamped me into a horrible state of self pity and hopelessness.

But! I repent and refocus on God's Love, Wisdom, and Power. I find 5 minutes of peace. I get up and rededicate 100% of my life to Him, for the 150,000 time. I am made NEW! and in my newness, I am as she says I am.

SO! mistake number 150,001 was dropping my wife and son off at the airport and driving off. Thanks to God's power of correction, he let my conscious universe shatter.

When I was born I can imagine that my conscious universe was made up of just me.
Then it was just me and my mom,
then me, mom, and dad.
then our house
then my sisters
then my yard
then the woods
then the dirt road I lived on
then the woods across the road
then school
then my friends house
then the country club
then my neighborhood, (which was interesting for our neighbors)
then everything between my neighborhood and my friends neighborhood.
then everything between my neighborhood and my friends neighborhood and the country club.
then our farm land and my friends farm land.
then colquitt county.
then Georgia.
then the United States.
then planet earth.
then planet earth and Christine.
then planet earth, Christine, and Brody.
then Christine and Brody.
then Bamm! I drop my universe off at the airport and drive away.

Well I didn't realize my universe had shrunk to such a small degree until I left them at the airport to travel off into the world without me. I didn't cry, but did some bad driving, yelling, cursing, and funny sounding whimpering noises that still has me a little confused. That's not going to happen again. Not for a long time anyway. I know Brody and our other kids "to be" will grow up and leave the house one day. But as for right now! We all go or nobody goes.

I thought I was doing the responsible thing by staying here and working and earning money so we can live. The world may say that's right, but my heart says it's wrong. God wants me to be with my family and that's it. sorry world, but your on hold for the next 20 years.

I feel like God just hit me over the head with a sledge hammer. God will provide for me and my house. He wants me with the house.

So! what ever happens, it'll happen to all of us. well, for the next 18-22 years anyway, God willing.

That all happened on my 38 birthday, which was Friday 13th, not that it means anything, but you know.

Anyway... Let this be a reminder to me in the future. When companies offer $$$$$$ or family, I choose family. When Captain selfish takes over the helm, the Ray family law has been laid by little electrons that make black lines on a white screen for all to see. My place in this world is with my family.