a vicious cycle

a vicious cycle that has to be broken:

CO and I got stuck in a cycle that could destroy any marriage. I'm pretty good at making her feel ignored when I come from work. I shower, eat, watch the news, play with Brody, water the plants, and try to straighten up downstairs, then go to sleep. In between all these things I ask her how is she doing and I try to interact with her on a casual level, but her feelings are already hurt by this time, because she knows I want to do something else and she just says I'm tired. Then I just move on to the next thing.

Then she is pretty good at being mean to me, because she is so hurt by me ignoring her. Then I ignore her more because she is being mean. It's HORRIBLE! We both feel like dieing when we get in that cycle. This last time was really hard to stop because of the added stress of being financially bankrupt.

After about a day of yelling and half a day of being sorry and a weekend of cleaning the house TOGETHER, we feel like we are one again and I'm VERY happy. I hope she still is. I have found out that it is real easy to love Brody during those times and I feel our attention gravitates towards him, because at this age he is non-confrontational.

The sad part is that it'll probably happen again, because of who we are. I think the trick to beating it is that as soon as one of us gets hurt, we need to tell the other in a non-defensive way. Which is very hard to do because of pride. I constantly have to remind myself that before I decided to ask CO to marry me, I had to die to me. So everything I want is dead and the only person to give my life back to me is her. She is the one who determines who I can be. That's hard because when we are fighting I feel like in order to make her happy I have to be this little wimpy guy that sits inside all day and cleans the house. The wild in me hates that thought and grabs me by the neck and yells " ARE YOU FREAKING CRAZY! GET OUT OF HERE MAN!".

But I can't because I love her and I want the best for her. Our relationship is very similar to my relationship with Christ. EXCEPT the fact that I gave my life to him, because He is the only one that can give me the best life I can possible have. Which is funny because at this point it looks like complete crap except for CO and Brody. BUT I feel like we are simply in training, kinda like in the Ranger Battalion. In order to be the best, the training usually has to suck really bad. I don't know what God is training us for, but according to the suck factor it's pretty awesome.

(I'm sorry if you don't like the word "suck". My mom doesn't. Sorry mom. But in my years I have not been able to come up with a better one to replace it. It comes from sucking air when you are 100% physically and mentally spent. I feel like I've put in some time in that area. There is nothing left to give and all you can do is SUCK in air. It's the worst condition to be in because you feel weak, vulnerable, hopeless, doubtful, facing the unknown, and wondering if your really about to die.

So if you can think of a word that is as simple, to the point, and carries that weight, I'm all hears and willing to make the change.)

So as for me right now I am at peace. God Loves me more than I can ever imagine. His wisdom can not be made better because it is PERFECT in every way. And His Power is unmatched by all of creation combined, so He can implement his wisdom to make my life the best because he loves me so much.

So when a customer who is younger than I am complains to me about having to trim a tree for his $60,000 dock, that will support his $25,000 boat lift, that will hold his $100,000 boat, that he wants to sit in front of his 1.5 million dollar house. I just smile and hope he is as blessed as I am to have a relationship with the creator of the Universe.


Bonus pics for reading my thoughts:

This is Brody telling me he doesn't want to be treated like a baby anymore. "I would like to have a real seat where I can sit up and talk like every body else."




Brody learning how to shuffle. Next step is to learn how to control finger movement.